I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather did, not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
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It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
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What's the difference between a dirty old bus stop and a lobster with breast implants? One is a crusty bus station the other one is a busty crustacean.
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Before your criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you're a mile away and have their shoes.

Compiled from the internet