A guy goes into a lawyer’s office and asks the lawyer: “Excuse me, how much do you charge?”

The lawyer responds: “I charge £1,000 to answer three questions.”

“Bloody hell – That’s a bit expensive isn’t it?”

“Yes. What’s your third question?”

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My roommate told me my clothes look gay.

I was like, don’t be a dick dude; they just came out of the closet.

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Never criticize someone until you have walked a mile in their shoes.

That way, when you criticize them, you’ll be a mile away, and you’ll have their shoes.

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I couldn’t believe that the highway department called my dad a thief.

But when I got home, all the signs were there.

 Compiled from the internet