Why did the cowboy get a wiener dog?

He wanted to get a long little doggie.

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How many "friend zoned" guys does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They just compliment it and then get mad when it won't screw.

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My girlfriend said to me, "I'm sick of you pretending to be a detective. I think we should split up."

I said, "Good idea - we can cover more ground that way."

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I have an EpiPen.

My friend gave it to me as he was dying.

It seemed very important to him that I have it.

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Thank you student loans for getting me through college.

I don't think I can ever repay you.

    Compiled from the internet