Doctor to a patient: "I have good and bad news for you. Which one would you like to hear first?"

"The good one please."

"I found the diagnosis of your illness, it means you have two days to live."

"And the bad one?"

"I’ve been trying to reach you for two days."

* * * * *  * * * * * *

A girl to her boyfriend: “I’m breaking up with you!”

“But why?”

“Because you’re constantly making fun of my weight!”

“Oh come on, honey, don’t be like that! Here, grab these two chairs, sit yourself down on them and we will talk it out.”

* * * * *  * * * * * *

KID : Dad, what do condoms do?

DAD : Son, they prevent questions just like that one.

    Compiled from the internet