So much has changed since my girlfriend told me we’re having a baby. For instance my name, address and telephone number!
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I heard a report about a bad outbreak of the tummy bug, apparently 9 out of 10 people there suffered from diarrhea. I can’t stop thinking about that tenth person who apparently enjoyed it.
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“You are so kind, funny and beautiful.”
“Oh come on. You just want to get me to bed.”
“And smart, too!”
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Q: What do politicians and diapers have in common?
A: Both should be changed regularly, and both for the same reason.
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I’m selling my talking parrot. Why? Because yesterday, the bastard tried to sell me.
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Do you know why women aren’t allowed in space?
To avoid scenarios like: "Houston, we have a problem!"
"What is the problem?"
"Yeah, great, pretend like you don’t know what I’m talking about!"
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A husband and a wife sit at the table, having dinner. The woman drops a bit of tomato sauce on her white top. "Och, I look like a pig!"
The man nods, "And you dropped tomato sauce on your top
A woman in a bikini reveals about 90% of her body.... and yet most men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
Compiled from the internet