2 cows are grazing in a field. 1 cow says to the other, "You ever worry about that mad cow disease?". The other cow says, "Why would I care? I'm a helicopter!".
* * * * * * * * *
Some people think it's romantic to carve their names on trees in the park while on a date.
I'm more worried about why they're bringing a knife on their date.
* * * * * * * * *
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather did, not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
* * * * * * * * *
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
* * * * * * * * *
What's the difference between a dirty old bus stop and a lobster with breast implants? One is a crusty bus station the other one is a busty crustacean.
Compiled from the internet