My Dad said to me, "Son, I wanted you to know you were adopted."

I shouted, "You're kidding! Really?"

He said, "Yes. Get your things together, they're coming to pick you up in an hour."

* * * * * * * * * * *

What did the Buddhist ask the hot dog vendor?

“Make me one with everything.”

You know why you never see elephants hiding up in trees?

Because they’re really good at it.

* * * * * * * * * * *

I have an EpiPen.

My friend gave it to me as he was dying.

It seemed very important to him that I have it.

* * * * * * * * * * *

My astronaut girlfriend has dumped me.

She said she needs space.

Compiled from the internet