Doctor: "I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live."
Patient: "What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!"
Doctor: "Nine."
* * * * * * * *
Daddy reads some bedtime stories to make little Jonny fall asleep.
Half an hour later mommy opens quietly the door and asks: “And, is he asleep?”
Little Jonny answers: “Yes, finally.”
* * * * * * * *
An employee complains to his boss, “Sorry boss, but the salary doesn’t even remotely match the effort I put into my work.”
 Boss nods, “I know, but we can’t let you starve to death.”
* * * * * * * *
What a difference a good shower makes!
I was irritable, exhausted and I felt like hell.
Now I’m irritable, exhausted, I feel like hell and I smell of grapefruit!
* * * * * * * *
Optimist: The glass is half full.
Pessimist: The glass is half empty.
Mother: Why didn’t you use a coaster!
* * * * * * * *
I asked my daughter if she’d seen my newspaper. She told me that newspapers are old school. She said that people use tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad. The fly didn’t stand a chance.

    Compiled from the internet