A woman caught her husband on the weight scale, sucking in his stomach.

“That won’t help you, Joe, you know?”

“Oh it helps a lot,” says the man, “it’s the only way I can see the numbers!”

* * * * * * * * * *

How many gorillas can fit into a car?

Eight.

How many chickens can fit into the car?

None, the car is already full of gorillas.

* * * * * * * * * *

Bob: "Holy schmoozes, I just fell off a 30 ft ladder."

Jim: "No way man, are you okay?"

Bob: "Yeah, luckily I was just on the first step."

* * * * * * * * * *

Police officer: “Your car is too heavily overloaded. I simply cannot let you continue like that. I’m going to have to take away your driver’s license.”

Driver: “You’re kidding me, right? The license can only weigh one ounce tops!”

* * * * * * * * * *

Are you two twins?

No, why do you ask?

Because mommy dressed you both in the same clothes.

OK that’s enough, your driver’s license please.

* * * * * * * * * *

A man hired a lawyer when he got sued by his company for embezzlement of many millions. At the beginning of the process, the lawyer kindly reassured him: „Don’t worry, you’ll never go to jail with that amount of money.“

And the lawyer was right. When the man did go to jail eventually, he didn’t have a penny anymore.

* * * * * * * * * *  

Man to his wife: “Do you know what our 6 year old son wants to be once he’s big?”

Wife: “No.”

Man: “A garbage man. And you know why?”

Wife: “No, why?”

Man: “Because he thinks they only work on Tuesdays.”

* * * * * * * * * *

In a boutique:

Could I try the dress in the shop window, please?

I’m sorry madam but no. We have cabins for that.

    Compiled from the internet