Me and my wife decided that we don't want to have children anymore. So anybody who wants one can leave us their phone number and address and we will bring you one.

 * * * * * * * * * * *  

I was sitting in a bar one day and two really large women came in, talking in an interesting accent.

So I said, “Cool accent, are you two ladies from Ireland?”

One of them snarled at me, “It’s Wales, dumbo!”

So I corrected myself, “Oh, right, so are you two whales from Ireland?”

That’s about as far as I remember.

 * * * * * * * * * * *  

A police officer stops a car.

 Officer: “Your driver’s license please.”

 Driver: “I’m really sorry, I forgot.”

 Officer: “At home?”

 Driver: “No, to do it.”

 * * * * * * * * * * *  

I heard a report about a bad outbreak of the tummy bug, apparently 9 out of 10 people there suffered from diarrhea. I can’t stop thinking about that tenth person who apparently enjoyed it.

* * * * * * * * * * *

“You are so kind, funny and beautiful.”

“Oh come on. You just want to get me to bed.”

“And smart, too!”

* * * * * * * * * * *

Do you know why women aren’t allowed in space?

To avoid scenarios like: "Houston, we have a problem!"

"What is the problem?"

"Yeah, great, pretend like you don’t know what I’m talking about!"

* * * * * * * * * * *

A husband and a wife sit at the table, having dinner. The woman drops a bit of tomato sauce on her white top. "Oh, I look like a pig!"

The man nods, "And you dropped tomato sauce on your top!"

    Compiled from the internet