Late one night a robber wearing a mask stopped a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. "Give me your money," he demanded. Scandalized, the man replied, "You can’t do this – I’m a US Congressman!" "Oh! In that case," smiled the robber, "Give me MY money!"
* * * * * * * * * * *
An almost hysterical man calls 911 and yells, "Please come quickly! Kailey is pregnant and her labor started now, it’s really intense!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the operator.
"No you dumbass! It’s her husband!"
* * * * * * * * * * *
Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear quite bright – until you hear them talk.
* * * * * * * * * * *
A fat guy and a thin guy meet:
Fat guy: “When I see you, I’d think a famine broke out!”
Thin guy: “And when I see you, I’d think you’re the one responsible for that!”
* * * * * * * * * * *
At a job interview:
 “Mrs Lober, what do you consider your greatest weakness?”
“Honesty.”
“Really? I don’t believe that is a weakness at all.”
 “And I don’t give a rat’s fart about your stupid opinion!”
* * * * * * * * * * *
About 4,000 years ago:
God: I shall create a great plague and every living thing on Earth will die!
Fish: Winks at God and slips him a $20 note*
God: Correction, I shall create a great flood!
    Compiled from the internet