Connecting with your teenager
As children become teenagers, their attitudes, behaviours and needs change. Often parents find it harder to connect with their children in the adolescent years. Welcoming the changes, loving teenagers for who they are now (not the kids they used to be) and learning new, age-appropriate ways to connect with teens, can be a challenge.
But theres a whole lot parents can do to develop stronger connections with their increasingly independent teenagers. Clinical psychologists who specialise in relationships, says accepting the changes is an essential foundation for developing strong connections with a teenager.
Love your changing teenager for who they are
Change in teenagers is inevitable, and it means parents have to change too. It can be difficult to let go of the child that used to depend on and trust their parents decision, but its essential. Your teenager needs to know that you love them for who they are now, not the child they used to be. It will be difficult to communicate that to them, if youre still reminiscing about the good old days when they were little and had nothing better to do than hang out with you. Try to see things from their perspective, so you can better understand who they are. Youll never know what its like to grow up in a world with smart phones but the fundamentals of being a teenager remain essentially the same as when you experienced it. You almost certainly found your own, era-appropriate ways to test boundaries and resist your parents authority. And your own teenager almost certainly will too. Its completely normal for teenagers to want more independence.
Welcome their friends
As their need for independence grows, theyll develop closer connections with their friends and probably want to spend less time with family. Its a difficult change for most parents and easy to feel like your child doesnt need you anymore.
But although teenagers will want more time to explore with their friends, they still need their family. One very important strategy is to befriend their friends and get to know their friends families. Make sure your teenagers friends feel welcome in your house. But understand that they didnt come over to visit you, and give your child some space and privacy so that they can feel comfortable having their friends over.
Do what you can to help them get together with their friends, which might mean giving them a lift, providing them food to send them on their way or having their friends over to your place. If friends are visiting your home, give them some privacy, for example knock before entering the room they are in.
Try to go out with your child when they are meeting up with friends at sports matches and other family events. And understand that just because they dont want you there, doesnt mean theyre up to mischief- its just that growing need for independence teenagers have.
Connect with your teenager on their terms
Take cues from your teenager about how to act. If they dont like you hugging and telling them you love them anymore, find a less openly affectionate way to show them. Doing something special like making them a cup of tea or helping them with a project might be a better way to show your love if theyre not into hugs anymore. Talk to teenagers in ways that let them know you love, care for and respect them.
Communicate with them on their terms, using media theyre comfortable with like social media and SMS, but dont feel shy to leave a good old fashioned note telling them you think something they did was great, or reminding them how much you care, if thats more your thing.
Make a conscious effort to spent time with your teen
Keep trying, even if they push you away. It can feel like they dont need you, but they do. Dont assume youll find time- make an effort to consciously plan time. Set some routines, which might be as simple as doing homework or having meals together as a family (with the TV switched off!). Parents will also find it easier to connect with teens if both mum and dad plan some regular one on one time with them. Encourage them to enjoy the time by doing things they like (you might even find a new hobby), rather than dragging them along to something youve chosen. Dont be deterred if they reject your invitation at first. Keep trying to plan things the two of you can do together.
Remember its about quality not quantity
It can be difficult to feel connected to a teenager, but developing the connections is worth the effort. Theyre teenagers now, which means that soon theyll be adults. Embrace the changes, appreciate the moments when you do connect and use them as opportunities to help prepare your teenager for a bright and ever changing future.
Compiled by Dr Wrishi Raphael
