Insecurities
Nazifa-Raidah
She always wondered how life had brought her here. How it seems only yesterday everything was a cloud at the edge of a rainbow and all of a sudden the storm swept in and wiped all the happiness away. She didnt know if she could take it anymore. People tell her that she has to be strong, that she can make it, that its time to move on. But to her it has always been white noise that ended with a beep.
She loved rainy days. It brings calm at home and washes away the harshness around, her mom always used to say when Mira placed her head on her moms lap, cradling her, putting Miras hair behind her ears. Rainwater sluiced down the window pane and it all seems a lie.
You should let go of your foolish endeavors. Where did they ever take you? You dont deserve to have an opinion in this house! Your stupid dreams have clouded the kids mentality, said the dark shadow with a devilish smile. Mira peeped through the door, in an unknown fear in her heart, holding Mr. Buzz close to her. Sitting by the window Mira wondered why she had this flashback. Its odd that 12 years later something lost so far away in her memory would get recalled all on a sudden.
It was probably on the night of 6th January. Mira woke up to find her mom by her bed, weeping softly. She gave Mira a mild kiss in her forehead as she slept. Mira woke up with a jolt, sensing something was very oddly out of proportion. Her mom was surprised that she woke up, Mira rarely did so. She couldnt hide the pain anymore. She held Mira tight in her arms. Im leaving maa, I didnt mean to wake you up, I was justleaving.
Mira didnt want it to be real, she didnt want to know that her life wasnt as ordinary as she expected. That her strong Mom had become so weak for all the torture she had to bear. It was a night of revelation, for only then Mira got to know what sort of a devil she and her mom were sharing the house with. Mira couldnt tolerate that his blood flows through her veins. Only that night had Mira understood why her mom had such a prominent blue mark on her shins and sometimes even on her cheekbones. A part of Mira died that night on that realization.
It has been 12 years since that night. Twelve years since they moved out of that hell hole. And today was Miras graduation day. Her mom had waited to have a glimpse of this part in Miras life for as long as she can remember. It was all supposed to end in laughter and throwing caps in the air. But it ended rather oddly as Mira got a call during her valedictorian speech. She went up the stage anxiously, wondering why her mom hadnt shown up yet. She knew something was wrong (gut feelings as they say).
Now Mira sat on the hospital floor, wondering numb about time, memories and insignificance. She hadnt for once thought that her mom would hide this from her. That shed never know her moms heart was getting weaker. That shed never said that she needed a new one in the fear of hampering her Miras future. Her mom collapsed in the apartment and the neighbors brought her here. She looked so beautiful, wearing her pearls and silver sari. Mira never got to see that, she never got to fulfill her moms final wish or see her smiling from the crowd, cheering Mira on for her step into a new transition of life.
As she played with her moms pearls unconsciously in her hands, she watched the rain pour down. Life seemed like a big fat lie sugarcoated with non existent happiness. She knew that day that shed never feel the same about the rain again.
