In a lighter vein
NEW YEAR RESOLUTIONS
by Vincent Van Ross
All of us have an inner urge to improve ourselves. All of us want to be good if we are bad. It is because the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak that we do things that we should not be doing.
New Year is a good time for us to resolve to make amends for our past mistakes. New Year is a good time to resolve to improve ourselves. That is why we religiously make resolutions on the New Year eve and think nothing of breaking them the very next day!
Once a chain-smoker resolved that he would quit smoking in the New Year. The next morning, on the way to his bus stop, he passed the kiosk that sold cigarettes. As resolved, he did not stop for a smoke this time. Fearing loss of business, the shop keeper called out to him: Please have a look, Sir, I have brought some new cigs for you. Its imported.
This guy thought for a moment. If I stop now, Ive really had it, he said to himself. Without breaking his steps, he replied: No, noIve given up smoking, and he kept walking.
Ten paces down the road, his fingers twitched. He was in a dilemma. There was a short session of yes-yes and no-no between his resolution to quit smoking and his urge to smoke. He stopped, turned around and walked back to the kiosk. Let me see those imported cigarettes, he said to the shopkeeper. And, his New Year resolution went up in smoke!
The favourite New Year resolution of addicts is to quit drinking in the New Year. Perhaps, they make the resolution while they are still drunk. That is why they never get around to doing that.
Talking of drinking, there are those who resolve not to drink even a drop (of water) because we no longer get potable water in our taps.
Flirts are always weak at heart. On a New Year eve, one of the breed resolved: I shall not look at other women. The moment he saw a couple of beauties trotting down the street, he realized what a blunder he had made. His resolution underwent an instant change and his resolution I shall not look at other women became I shall not look at older women! Who wants to look at those old hags anyway? But, those cute little things that move around on shapely legs are quite an exception. After all, it is the exception that proves the ruleisnt it?
There was an absent-minded couple. The wife felt guilty about cheating on her husband and resolved in the New Year that she would never again cheat on her husband who was so innocent. Unknown to her, her husband who too was cheating on her, decided to give up the bad habit. That night when they were enjoying themselves, there was a knock on the door.
The wife whispered with a sense of urgency: Get out fastlooks like my husband is back. In the confusion, the husband gathered half the clothes and jumped out of the window. So much for New Year resolutions!
Neck-deep in corruption, a politician made the mistake of making a resolution that he would not accept any bribe in the New Year. A few days later, when a hefty bribe came his way in the guise of a New Year gift, he not only grabbed for it but also quickly gift-wrapped his New Year resolution and preserved it for the next year!
The writer is a cultural commentator and edited, based in New Delhi.
