Then Tread Alone

The winter had lost its charm. My shawl failed to keep me warm. My mind was a tangled mess; I did not know how to sort it out. I didn’t know if there existed such a thing as a sense of fulfillment. It was not really cold that evening, but I was shivering.

An hour ago, I had been obediently listening to my teacher. He was explaining probability. I liked statistics, but at that moment, my mind was dwelling on something else. The moment the class ended, I jolted out of the classroom and called Akash.

The phone rang twice before he picked it up. ‘’Where are you now?’’ I asked him.

 ‘’Oh, we are walking by the lake,’’ he replied.

 ‘’My class has ended. Can I join you guys?’’

 ‘’Uhm, we won’t be here for long... can you wait somewhere else?’’

 ‘’Sure.’’ I mentioned a local bookstore, telling him I would be waiting there for them. Akash told me it would take about 20 minutes to reach the place, which is why I decided to walk there instead of taking a rickshaw. I reached the bookstore in 15 minutes.

 I had met Akash, Ishita and Sumon at a film appreciation course a couple of weeks back. They had known one another for a while, having attended such courses before. They, however, warmed up to me instantly and I, a shy and lonely teenager, was overwhelmed.

That morning, Akash had called me. He told he was planning something with Ishita and Sumon and asked me if I wanted to join them. As I had an important class in the afternoon, I told him I couldn’t. But when he mentioned they would be spending some time by the lake after lunch, I told him I would join them after my class. He sounded glad to hear that.

Reaching the bookstore, I wandered around aimlessly for a while. Minutes passed and I started getting restless. It had been 40 minutes since I had talked to Akash. An unknown fear suddenly took hold of me. I called Akash again. He didn’t pick up. I called again. He answered the phone on my fourth try.

‘’Where are you?’’ I asked. I was on the verge of tears.

 ‘’Oh, we are still by the lake,’’ was his reply.

  ‘’You told me you would come to the bookstore in 20 minutes when I last called. It has been 40 minutes since then,’’ I whispered, struggling to control the lump in my throat.

 My instinct told me to return home, but something in me urged me to do something that would help me come to terms with this.  

‘’Why weren’t you picking up my calls?’’

‘’Erm... I... I didn’t hear it.’’ The lamest excuse, ever.

 I took a deep breath. How did he hear it on my fourth try then?

‘’I am coming to the lakeside,’’ I told him.

‘’Erm... well... umm, are you sure? Aren’t you getting late?’’

It was at that moment I saw things for what they actually were. It was all fake, all whimsical. I realised how wrong I was to expect anything from them. I had only known them for two weeks. Why did I place so much trust in them when I couldn’t even trust the ‘friends’ I had known for years?

  ‘’Yes,’’ I replied. ‘’I’ll go back home.’’

 I hung up immediately, without waiting for his response. Wrapping my shawl tightly around myself, I walked out into the empty, dark evening. It was really cold. My indignation and pain made me shiver even more. Walking home, I was waiting for Akash to call me back and apologize. But I never received the call I expected.

All the promises were fake; the hopes misplaced.  Terrible memories started coming back to me. I remembered how my childhood friends would refuse to play with me because I couldn’t run fast and how rejected it would make me feel. I felt sick; I did not know how to deal with this terrible feeling of abandonment. I did not know if this feeling would ever come to an end.

Then, suddenly, I remembered my favourite Tagore song and started singing it softly:

   Jodi tor daak shune keu na ashe, tobe ekla chole re.

    (If nobody responds to your call, then tread alone.)

    Tread alone.

    Alone.

Then Tread Alone

The winter had lost its charm. My shawl failed to keep me warm. My mind was a tangled mess; I did not know how to sort it out. I didnt know if there existed such a thing as a sense of fulfillment. It was not really cold that evening, but I was shivering. An hour ago, I had been obediently listening to my teacher. He was explaining probability. I liked statistics, but at that moment, my mind was dwelling on something else. The moment the class ended, I jolted out of the classroom and called Akash. The phone rang twice before he picked it up. Where are you now? I asked him. Oh, we are walking by the lake, he replied. My class has ended. Can I join you guys? Uhm, we wont be here for long... can you wait somewhere else? Sure. I mentioned a local bookstore, telling him I would be waiting there for them. Akash told me it would take about 20 minutes to reach the place, which is why I decided to walk there instead of taking a rickshaw. I reached the bookstore in 15 minutes. I had met Akash, Ishita and Sumon at a film appreciation course a couple of weeks back. They had known one another for a while, having attended such courses before. They, however, warmed up to me instantly and I, a shy and lonely teenager, was overwhelmed. That morning, Akash had called me. He told he was planning something with Ishita and Sumon and asked me if I wanted to join them. As I had an important class in the afternoon, I told him I couldnt. But when he mentioned they would be spending some time by the lake after lunch, I told him I would join them after my class. He sounded glad to hear that. Reaching the bookstore, I wandered around aimlessly for a while. Minutes passed and I started getting restless. It had been 40 minutes since I had talked to Akash. An unknown fear suddenly took hold of me. I called Akash again. He didnt pick up. I called again. He answered the phone on my fourth try. Where are you? I asked. I was on the verge of tears. Oh, we are still by the lake, was his reply. You told me you would come to the bookstore in 20 minutes when I last called. It has been 40 minutes since then, I whispered, struggling to control the lump in my throat. My instinct told me to return home, but something in me urged me to do something that would help me come to terms with this. Why werent you picking up my calls? Erm... I... I didnt hear it. The lamest excuse, ever. I took a deep breath. How did he hear it on my fourth try then? I am coming to the lakeside, I told him. Erm... well... umm, are you sure? Arent you getting late? It was at that moment I saw things for what they actually were. It was all fake, all whimsical. I realised how wrong I was to expect anything from them. I had only known them for two weeks. Why did I place so much trust in them when I couldnt even trust the friends I had known for years? Yes, I replied. Ill go back home. I hung up immediately, without waiting for his response. Wrapping my shawl tightly around myself, I walked out into the empty, dark evening. It was really cold. My indignation and pain made me shiver even more. Walking home, I was waiting for Akash to call me back and apologize. But I never received the call I expected. All the promises were fake; the hopes misplaced. Terrible memories started coming back to me. I remembered how my childhood friends would refuse to play with me because I couldnt run fast and how rejected it would make me feel. I felt sick; I did not know how to deal with this terrible feeling of abandonment. I did not know if this feeling would ever come to an end. Then, suddenly, I remembered my favourite Tagore song and started singing it softly: Jodi tor daak shune keu na ashe, tobe ekla chole re. (If nobody responds to your call, then tread alone.) Tread alone. Alone.